Disappointment and Addiction

It isn’t hard to see disappointment in the fact that I stepped back from Facebook for a breather. The endorphins that would accompany a like or a share are addictive, and to go from several of those a day to none all of a sudden is pretty difficult. But that isn’t what any of this is about. You can read my post about stepping back to see more of the reason as to why I had to step back from Facebook, to the point where I only interact once a week. I am not going into it here, but I know that disappointment pretty well.

Recently I had a friend, I won’t put him on blast but if he reads this he will know who he is, that upended his entire social network footprint. He turned his back on all of those who have loved him through some difficult times over the last few years, even going as far to blame them for some of his heartbreak. I understand it. Completely. He may have thought I have no clue, but I do. He wrote a book and expected it to sell like hotcakes, I had similar illusions of grandeur in my head when I started writing. Where he seed my book as a success his seemed like a failure. I was blessed in the very beginning by a lot of really good friends that donated to my Kickstarter, but the first sign it wasn’t going to be like I thought was when my Kickstarter failed. For those who don’t know, if a Kickstarter is not fully funded you get nothing. I was less than a thousand from my overall goal.

My first heartbreak was the fact that my church that I sowed a lot of time and resources into, didn’t think my writing was a worthy cause to promote. Instead they promoted another very talented person in the church, giving money, talking about their project from the pulpit. I gave money to her campaign, and when mine failed I urged all of my backers to instead give the money to her, since I wasn’t able to get any money from the campaign. I held on, and was tempted to put the difference in from my inheritance. But I didn’t because a lot of people told me to have faith that it would come through… It never did.

I didn’t give up though. I finished writing my book and released it under schedule. Everyone who had given to the campaign had gotten a free copy, even though their support wasn’t fully realized. I paid out of my inheritance from my mom for everything, almost $3,000. I had it professionally edited by a beautiful sister, the kindle version laid out from a missionary friend, the book cover designed by another amazing lover of Jesus in another country. After the book launched, I started an advertising push with the same missionary friend that did the Kindle layout.

To this date, I have spent roughly $6,000 and the returns on that investment have been relatively low, way less than my investment.

On Facebook, I would post quick thoughts and I would sometimes get 40-50 likes and a handful of shares, I would get recognition from people I respected dearly and those endorphins would just fire off. In much the same way as when I was addicted to pornography, it wasn’t the act that I was addicted to but the endorphins. I found that I replaced the endorphins from my addiction to pornography with the recognition of my peers.

When it came out, I had quite a few people who I had given several copies out to, that would do live videos on Facebook reading parts of it. They were promoting it to others, giving copies away. I had a handful that bought several copies with the sole purpose of giving them out. I had people I never met reach out to me on Facebook telling me how much they enjoyed the book. How it opened their minds to different ways to think about things.

The success of my book certainly wasn’t monetary. To this day I am still paying for advertising on Amazon, to the tune of a $100 a month some months, and my take after spending that might be $30-40 if I am lucky.

So why am I writing this?

Well, because I know disappointment, when I released my book I was thinking about how different my life would be after I released. I imagined speaking engagements, I imagined travel all over the world. I thought I would be held in the esteem of other authors who have written books I found great value in.

I consider my book a success, because it is out there and anyone can get it. But financially it is not. I still have to work full time and spend money promoting it. It is truly a labor of love, because I want people to see just how beautiful and valuable to God that they are.

I have done a lot of things in my life to varying levels of success, but I continue plugging away trying to live the dream I have for myself. I want the opportunity to travel, and speak, and show everyone the love of God. But know it will probably never look like what I think it should.

On Facebook, I would post quick thoughts and I would sometimes get 40-50 likes and a handful of shares, I would get recognition from people I respected dearly and those endorphins would just fire off. In much the same way as when I was addicted to pornography, it wasn’t the act that I was addicted to but the endorphins. I found that I replaced the endorphins from my addiction to pornography with the recognition of my peers.

Here I sit disappointed that now I do not have the recognition and acceptance from the people that I once had, all because of the political division that is happening right now. My opinions don’t line up with others I may agree with in so many other ways. Because of which I kind of feel rudderless in a rushing river heading for a huge waterfall.

I can convince myself that others I respect dearly have been plugging away for years, and their levels of success vary wildly. A megachurch pastor that I have a great deal of respect for who is the same age as I am, has campuses all over the southeast and other parts of the country as well. He sells millions of copies of new books when they come out, his church’s band release new music to wild success as well. The temptation to ask “why?” comes up often, but I know the guy has worked hard through mounds of disappointment to get where he is now. I am sure he also had seasons of fear and depression about certain things.

It is only human.

Only human.

Human.

It is only human to be wanted, desired, cared about, It is only human to desire humanity. It is only human to wish everything you touch to be a success. That is after all how God created us to be.

Peace and Love.

J.