Strawberry Fields Forever

Friends come and go just like seasons. There are high times, and low times that we all face, challenges and difficulties, and my life the last few years has not been any different. Friends that I considered lifelong in 2020, friends, nay brothers, that I would go to battle with, shed blood with are no longer counting me as their equal. Where did I go wrong?

Was it me?

I’ve come to the realization that it isn’t me, it never was. But the concept of feeling like I’ve lost family is hard to cope with.

These last few years has been devastating to me mentally not to mention socially, I won’t lie and say that I haven’t dealt with depression and anger. I know I am not the only one. We’ve battled with covid, and politics, and politics and covid. Along with wars and rumors of wars, fear and uncertainty. I have fallen into patterns I thought I had left behind, and where I had brothers that helped to hold my arms up in the wilderness, I no longer do. In these last few years I have felt alone, excised from community that I never thought I’d be excluded from.

These last few years and my struggles have not been unique to me, I know others who have had issues to, but the crux is not knowing where to turn. Sure I know that I am one in Christ, but knowing something and experiencing something isn’t the same. I have tearful conversations with Papa when I do, other times I just feel like I exist without an outlet to truly live. This is not an attempt to get pity or garner sympathy, but I miss my brothers, I miss hearing their encouragement of me and the opportunity to encourage them. I miss having familiar faces to go to events with, to share in that relationship with. All in all I miss the discovery of when I first started my deconstruction, the joy of seeing new aspects that I would have never even considered before. I am undone by the sheer amount of division I have seen borne in my human family, us and them has become even more pronounced, hared of peers over the color of their skin or vax status, or who they voted for. The violence in the streets, the uncertainty of cost of living. I know I am rambling, but I don’t really know how to put everything I am feeling as concisely as I want. Maybe I will try to write more later. I still plan to record a podcast but my allergies have come back with a vengeance, so working my way through that at the moment.

Thank you for reading, and if the specific brother I was referring to reads this know that I desperately miss you, and even though I know you’ve turned away from the faith, know that I still consider you my brother and one of my greatest friends,

Speaking A Different Language

I used to speak the same language as other Christians, the language of Christianese. I was a master of it, twisting and turning things to where they fit a specific narrative that I believed God wanted me to preach.

Before I was a Christian I listened to “evil” music, I did “evil” things, spoke an “evil” language. I remember when I first became a Christian getting pretty heavy into Christian rock music, I would look at the charts that said “if you used to like such and such band you’ll love…” It was a transition in language. I went from headbanging to songs about heart-shaped boxes and puppet-masters to headbanging to songs seasoned with Jesus but not much else.

My faith was a hollow one, filled with my reading the Bible simply to prove others wrong. I believed in Jesus, I would get weepy eyed when the passion play happened at church, I would listen to Christian music exclusively, I would preach Jesus to others, turn or burn, repent. Then I got a taste of Love, but that Love was tempered through the lens of the Jesus I preached. I would say things like Jesus will love you if, or Jesus will save you when you do…

Holy Spirit would lay things on my heart while saying things like, “What would love do here?” I remember I had just gotten through writing a note on my Facebook account, which was like an old blog system Facebook had, about how even if we had Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on our door that we should invite them in, offer them a drink, let them speak and love them as I loved myself. As soon as I submitted the note a knock came to my door, and it was two Jehovah’s Witnesses. I found it extremely interesting this happened right after I had posted. At first I was irritated they came for a visit, and then Holy Spirit reminded me of what I had just written. I did exactly as I had written and upon them leaving they made a comment that I was the nicest “Christian” they had met, granted I was not supposed to hear that because they said it as they were walking away.

As the years passed, I studied more and more about the Love of God. There were still troubling thoughts that I had, and difficult beliefs that I still believed, I still struggled with things that were not indicative of the Love of God, and would punish myself by turning my back to God for days on end when I had messed up. It was like Adam in the Garden, he messed up and hid. I would mess up and turn my face from God because I felt like I had grieved him or hurt him or worse angered him.

Then I met Jesus for real.

My life changed in an instant when that happened, I realized that my loving God wasn’t necessary, but that I was the subject of His Love. This little change in perspective changed everything. His Love for me drove Him to the Cross, His Love for me had Him sell everything He had to obtain me. Its like scales literally fell from my eyes. To think that God was ever angry with me. I once thought He was my enemy, then I realized that I was never His enemy, I just thought I was in my own head. That caused me to live in a way that was contrary to who I am really.

These last three years my language and beliefs have changed radically. I’ve been called a heretic. I have had Christians say that I should burn at the stake. I have had Christians so offended at my beliefs that they gossiped about me and forced me to step out of a position that I really loved. I have had people turn their backs on me because I have challenged my beliefs about God. I have had people that I thought loved me, laugh at me, call me stupid, shame me.

It isn’t persecution, I am not saying that, I just know that I have undergone a radical transformation about everything. I went from believing that God wanted to use me for something to realizing that God just wants to Love me. I went from thinking that I had to gain all this knowledge about God to understand Him, to realizing that was Adam’s downfall. I went from being comfortable in my knowledge about Jesus and God and all that I knew about Him to this mystical tension that is both joyful and awe inducing.

I know that I speak a different language, I also know without Love I am a resounding gong. So holding everything dear that I believe now I must remember not to overwhelm those who hear me, that may not believe exactly like me. Overwhelming is not the best word for that, I just don’t want to scandalize people so much that they can’t hear God’s Heart in me.

I guess that is just it, what Paul was saying. I could say all of this but without Love you will never hear me.

So with that said, know that I love you enough to not say anything even when you may want me to, but in that love I may also say too much that may scandalize and overwhelm you.

Us Vs. Them, Heavyweight Title of the World Match

One of the things I took solace in early on in my faith was that I knew I was included because I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I remember looking at others that I thought were lost and seeing hollowed out skeletons with a flickering flame deep within the empty sockets of their eyes. I remember being fearful for others, angry that they just wouldn’t accept Jesus. Probably not unlike John Calvin when he came up with his theology of double predestination. I won’t get deep in the weeds with Calvin, because I believe he was a good boy trapped in a wicked theology.

So to establish one of the greatest things that changed for me when I met Jesus in August of 2017, I began to see Jesus even in the most despicable of people. I know this is a radical thought, but I genuinely began seeing Jesus in other people and realizing that Jesus sold everything to obtain them… too.

I began sondering and placing myself into the lives of others, I can see why they made certain moves, why they chose certain things, what was their driving force in decisions. I began to see Jesus on the Cross crying out to Papa, “Forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” and then hearing Father say, “I did.”

Knowing that we are all doing the absolute best we know to do, and even in that knowledge we still fall short of His everlasting Glory. We fall short in our own understanding and our own actions daily. There are no evil people, just people who do evil. That evil does not define them, Jesus and Him crucified does. Now I know that is a spin on the classic verse that evangelicals like to throw around that none are good, but just like there none that are good there are none that are evil. We exist completely outside of that dualism, but we can choose actions that fall in line with that dualism.

I can choose to do good, or I can choose to do evil, or I can choose to rest and trust in God’s goodness.

Evangelicalism has been a poison to the faith of Christianity, inasmuch as Liberalism is a poison as well. They both teach an us versus them narrative that is hard for us to escape. On one side the evangelicals choose the titles lost and saved. The liberal folks just choose to overlook aspects of the faith they deem uncomfortable and act like it doesn’t exist all while shaming those people who believe the aspects they choose to overlook.

None are lost, at least in the perspective of the cross, because Jesus would leave the 99 to find the 1. I once was the one, and that parable has been a life sustaining word for me. There are a lot of 1’s out there, and Jesus regularly slips away from the crowd to bring them home. Not to the same ideology, although some do fall prey to that line of thinking.

It is interesting that Evangelicals can generally be lumped in with Republicans and the Liberal side of theology can be lumped in with the Progressive side of the political narrative. They both argue that Jesus is “on their side,” but there are no sides with Jesus. He is one with every single member of humanity, whether we realize it or not. Both sides seek to shame the other side, all while Jesus says quietly, “come, there is no shame in me.”

Us versus them seeks to shame the other side by hurling ridiculous claims at the other, it shames people for their choices in political candidate, it shames them for their choices in the people they choose to hang around. This is the battle that has been waged since the beginning of time, who is in and who is out. We pretend to know God’s mind about who or what is acceptable all while behind closed doors we are the same thing we shame.

There is no us versus them, we are one.

We are one with the Father of Jesus in Jesus forever and ever, and we don’t have a choice in the matter. But we do have a choice in how we respond. Do we cautiously let people in not knowing their allegiances, or do we simply look at them knowing we are all on the same team?

These are the kinds of things that knock around in my head, and I am fully aware that my views are certainly in the minority… but what if they weren’t?

The Root of all Creation

Ever since I had my experience of awakening in August of 2017 I have been fascinated with the concept of the Greek word metanoia. No word in the English language truly encompasses what the word metanoia truly means, of course Bible translators from the early days of English translations deemed the word repent as a reasonable replacement for such a deep and weighty word, but it in no way truly grasps what the word metanoia is.

I have had several podcasts where I’ve talked about metanoia and what it has meant for me, feel free to listen in long form to my conversations or my monologues about the subject. But this blog isn’t going to dive too deep into the actual meaning of metanoia, but it serves as a little exposition behind my musings in this blog post. More to the point I am going to talk about another fascination I have had since my awakening in August of 2017. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The original choice presented to humanity wan’t really a choice, but rather a mandate to stay away from one tree and feast on all of the other trees in the garden of pleasure (Eden). It took convincing to make man choose to eat from the tree, it was not natural to do so, in fact to eat from the tree flew against every thing Adam knew to be truth, so why did he?

The story goes that Adam didn’t run over to the tree, pick a piece of fruit and start chowing down, instead he was coaxed by the good and perfect gift of his wife. He would have done anything she asked of him, he was enamored by her, when he slept he dreamt of her. He loved his wife because she was literally the best gift he had ever gotten. God told him not to eat from that tree, God didn’t tell her, God have him her and told him that she was good and perfect, she told him to eat from the tree. In his mind he thought that maybe her desire for him to eat from the tree was superseded by her desire for him to eat simply because she was his good and perfect gift.

This story isn’t a story about whether or not men are superior to women or visa-versa, nor is this a blog post about everything being Eve’s fault. Eve knew what Adam told her, God never told her. So realistically she didn’t really know any better. Adam was intoxicated by his love for his bride that he did whatever she asked of him, which was not a good combination. Adam also didn’t really know any better, because remember the tree he was told not to eat from was not simply the tree of Good and Evil.

Good and Evil existed, however Adam and Eve were completely oblivious to this fact. I mean they ran around in the garden of pleasure (Eden) completely naked. They frolicked with lions and tigers and bears, oh my, they rolled around in the fields with poison ivy and all sorts of creepy crawly bugs and they had no concerns for anything at all. There was no worry about what they would eat, there was no worry about how they would be clothed or if they had a roof over their head, they had absolutely no care in the world, nothing at all offended them.

Eve bit from the fruit, and she thought it was tasty. Nothing changed, her eyes were not opened, everything was the same, so she thought that Adam had told her something that wasn’t necessarily true. But when Adam ate, immediately both of their eyes were opened, they saw their nakedness, the garden filled them with fear with all of the animals and weird plants that were scattered everywhere. The spot where he was intimate with his good and perfect gift that morning was in a bramble of thorns. Afraid he ran and grabbed fig leaves and sewed them together to cover their nakedness. (Fig leaves have a pretty deep meaning here, I believe.) They immediately his because he knew in a few minutes God would be coming to spend time with them and frolic with them with all of the animals, and all the darkness and scary bugs.

When God came to the garden, he realized it was no longer a garden of pleasure. He sought Adam and Eve and began calling for them, having played hide and seek with them before, he noticed something radically different, there was no laughter. He didn’t see them running around, but they were hidden. He called for them but they refused to answer because they were filled with fear and worry and anxiety. They were terrified of what God would do to them. He called,

“Oh Adam, c’mon out, you have hidden long enough.”

“We don’t want to God, we are embarrassed.” Adam said out loud as they stayed hidden.

“Oh good heavens, why in the world would you be embarrassed?” He asked amused, knowing what they had done he had done what any good father would do by allowing his kids to “fess up” as my mom used to call it.

“We are naked, ashamed, scared.” Adam cried out.

"The first question out of God’s mouth at their admission was, “Who told you that you were naked?”

As we leave that story I view this as the literal root of the idea of metanoia. All of creation was based upon this concept of choice. From God’s perspective he knew it was a choice presented as a mandate to stay away, but knowing his kids were curious they would eventually choose the route they did. After all scripture does tell us that Jesus is the lamb slain before creation. Jesus, God in our flesh, even said from the cross, “Forgive them Father for they don’t know what they are doing.” It was a complete circle that ended with the Death of Jesus on the cross and that sick cycle carousel was destroyed with His resurrection.

So everything lies in the idea of metanoia, which means to change your mind and direction, to think differently. Not to think in terms of if something is good or evil but rather thinking of situations from the perspective of not having an opinion about it whether it be good or evil. Because if Adam would have never ate from the tree, he would have never realized anything was good or evil, he would have just lived full of joy with his good and perfect wife, Eve.

There is debate over whether Adam and Eve were real, or if they were simply poetry explaining the human dilemma, I lean on the belief that they were very real. Flesh caused the fall, and God in that Flesh redeemed us all.

You may have noticed that I might ask in certain situations, “What tree are you eating from?” This is where that question comes from. It is a constant reminder for me that I need to remember that I am feasting on the Tree of Life and not that of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

I am programmed to fall into old patterns of despair when I focus on things that make me get anxious and nervous about things. I think everyone is.

But we can be free, like truly free. Only by laying everything down and realizing that we are just his kids in this beautiful playground of a world. We can just rest and change our way of thinking.

Metanoia.

What is the Bible?

The subject comes up over and over in traditional Christian circles, and by traditional Christian circles, I mean Christianity that has only existed in said form for a few hundred years. The Bible is the Word of God, repeated ad nauseam from the pulpit, or spoken from people who claim to be experts of apologetic banter. People base their entire relationships upon whether or not someone believes that the Bible is the Word of God, whole denominations are built upon this premise.

But it is all a lie.

I made a video a few months ago and posted it to YouTube and it was a poem of sorts, not your traditional poem, but a narration explaining my primary perspective on this.

Jesus shows the true nature of God, not the Bible. How many wars, how much death, how much inhumane treatment was created through a twisting of the Bible? Al...

But I wanted to take a minute to really, truly get down to what I believe the Bible is. Because so many people are obsessed with it as a symbol. People burn them because it offends others, along with the Flag of the United States, they do this because it triggers the most conservative of all of us. But what if the Bible is not what we were taught?

Imagine how much freer we would be if we were never offended. Like truly never offended by anything at anytime. If we weren’t offended at all the power of the offense is drained away and loses all of its ability to trigger. This is true about racial relations and other things as well. If the protesters knew they couldn’t offend us by burning Bibles or flags, their power is removed.

What if we laughed in the face of offense?

Like truly let out a belly chortle when someone sought to hurt or offend us? The power removed from such an item and we would truly be free, in the truest sense of the word!

So getting back to my original topic of the Bible, What is the Bible?

Here is my thoughts on what it is and who the Word of God truly is.

The Bible didn't take on flesh for us, The Bible didn't Vicariously live as us, The Bible didn't die with us. The Bible wasn't resurrected with us. The Bible isn't the Word of God... Only Jesus is.

It is truth from the human perspective looking at God, Jesus is the Truth from God's perspective looking at us.

The biblio-idolatry of the American church is heartbreaking because most of us don't truly realize what the Bible is. It is truth from the human perspective looking at God, Jesus is the Truth from God's perspective looking at us.

John 1 is pretty clear on the identity of the Word of God, and those who argue that the Bible is the Word of God can find no evidence of that assertion in the book they claim to be the Word of God. The Bible in it’s current form has only existed for a few hundred years, considering Johannes Gutenberg first published it in 1450. Almost 1500 years after Jesus, so if it was “The Word of God” why wasn’t it available sooner? Do you think God abandoned everyone that didn’t have the Bible for 1500 years?

You are the very Word of God too, because you are in the Word of God and the Word of God is in you. Written on your hearts, and set as a seal on your arm and your head. You look like Jesus, I look like Jesus.

Remove the offense you might feel and be as a full grown human that is found in Christ.

Disappointment and Addiction

It isn’t hard to see disappointment in the fact that I stepped back from Facebook for a breather. The endorphins that would accompany a like or a share are addictive, and to go from several of those a day to none all of a sudden is pretty difficult. But that isn’t what any of this is about. You can read my post about stepping back to see more of the reason as to why I had to step back from Facebook, to the point where I only interact once a week. I am not going into it here, but I know that disappointment pretty well.

Recently I had a friend, I won’t put him on blast but if he reads this he will know who he is, that upended his entire social network footprint. He turned his back on all of those who have loved him through some difficult times over the last few years, even going as far to blame them for some of his heartbreak. I understand it. Completely. He may have thought I have no clue, but I do. He wrote a book and expected it to sell like hotcakes, I had similar illusions of grandeur in my head when I started writing. Where he seed my book as a success his seemed like a failure. I was blessed in the very beginning by a lot of really good friends that donated to my Kickstarter, but the first sign it wasn’t going to be like I thought was when my Kickstarter failed. For those who don’t know, if a Kickstarter is not fully funded you get nothing. I was less than a thousand from my overall goal.

My first heartbreak was the fact that my church that I sowed a lot of time and resources into, didn’t think my writing was a worthy cause to promote. Instead they promoted another very talented person in the church, giving money, talking about their project from the pulpit. I gave money to her campaign, and when mine failed I urged all of my backers to instead give the money to her, since I wasn’t able to get any money from the campaign. I held on, and was tempted to put the difference in from my inheritance. But I didn’t because a lot of people told me to have faith that it would come through… It never did.

I didn’t give up though. I finished writing my book and released it under schedule. Everyone who had given to the campaign had gotten a free copy, even though their support wasn’t fully realized. I paid out of my inheritance from my mom for everything, almost $3,000. I had it professionally edited by a beautiful sister, the kindle version laid out from a missionary friend, the book cover designed by another amazing lover of Jesus in another country. After the book launched, I started an advertising push with the same missionary friend that did the Kindle layout.

To this date, I have spent roughly $6,000 and the returns on that investment have been relatively low, way less than my investment.

On Facebook, I would post quick thoughts and I would sometimes get 40-50 likes and a handful of shares, I would get recognition from people I respected dearly and those endorphins would just fire off. In much the same way as when I was addicted to pornography, it wasn’t the act that I was addicted to but the endorphins. I found that I replaced the endorphins from my addiction to pornography with the recognition of my peers.

When it came out, I had quite a few people who I had given several copies out to, that would do live videos on Facebook reading parts of it. They were promoting it to others, giving copies away. I had a handful that bought several copies with the sole purpose of giving them out. I had people I never met reach out to me on Facebook telling me how much they enjoyed the book. How it opened their minds to different ways to think about things.

The success of my book certainly wasn’t monetary. To this day I am still paying for advertising on Amazon, to the tune of a $100 a month some months, and my take after spending that might be $30-40 if I am lucky.

So why am I writing this?

Well, because I know disappointment, when I released my book I was thinking about how different my life would be after I released. I imagined speaking engagements, I imagined travel all over the world. I thought I would be held in the esteem of other authors who have written books I found great value in.

I consider my book a success, because it is out there and anyone can get it. But financially it is not. I still have to work full time and spend money promoting it. It is truly a labor of love, because I want people to see just how beautiful and valuable to God that they are.

I have done a lot of things in my life to varying levels of success, but I continue plugging away trying to live the dream I have for myself. I want the opportunity to travel, and speak, and show everyone the love of God. But know it will probably never look like what I think it should.

On Facebook, I would post quick thoughts and I would sometimes get 40-50 likes and a handful of shares, I would get recognition from people I respected dearly and those endorphins would just fire off. In much the same way as when I was addicted to pornography, it wasn’t the act that I was addicted to but the endorphins. I found that I replaced the endorphins from my addiction to pornography with the recognition of my peers.

Here I sit disappointed that now I do not have the recognition and acceptance from the people that I once had, all because of the political division that is happening right now. My opinions don’t line up with others I may agree with in so many other ways. Because of which I kind of feel rudderless in a rushing river heading for a huge waterfall.

I can convince myself that others I respect dearly have been plugging away for years, and their levels of success vary wildly. A megachurch pastor that I have a great deal of respect for who is the same age as I am, has campuses all over the southeast and other parts of the country as well. He sells millions of copies of new books when they come out, his church’s band release new music to wild success as well. The temptation to ask “why?” comes up often, but I know the guy has worked hard through mounds of disappointment to get where he is now. I am sure he also had seasons of fear and depression about certain things.

It is only human.

Only human.

Human.

It is only human to be wanted, desired, cared about, It is only human to desire humanity. It is only human to wish everything you touch to be a success. That is after all how God created us to be.

Peace and Love.

J.

Does a Canvas Say to Itself, "I Want To Be A Masterpiece?"

I had a Twitter exchange today that inspired this question, and I thought of this when responding to something someone else said. The whole thing began when I opened Twitter under my @gngerjesus handle for the first time in awhile. A pastor whom I greatly respect, and who incidentally is the same age as myself, by the name of Steven Furtick tweeted, “You are already enough.”

Now I posted this same thing on Facebook a few years ago, and people came out of the woodwork to “educate me” on how wretched and disgusting I am to God. I even had one say that I was worthy of being burned at the stake. Hilariously, it came from a person who claimed to follow the man who said to his followers, “Love others as I love you.”

So when I saw the tweet from Steven, I noticed he just posted it and there weren’t a whole lot of comments so far, but I knew there would be many. So I decided to scroll through the replies that already came in. The first said, “I needed this today, Pastor.” The next was, “Yes! I am enough, thank you for reminding me.”

Then it went downhill from there. All of the reformed folks and people that were raised by Pastors who sucked on lemons for fun decided to comment. “I am wretched and disgusting, save for Jesus, I am not enough.” One response read, others came along talking about how they were, and I quote, “enough to go to Hell.” “People please disregard this statement, apart from Christ’s saving work, we are no where near enough.”

Another one came along that just broke my heart, “No, if I were already enough, then there would be no reason for Jesus to come and die for my sins…”

I replied to several of them, because this was the common theme that they misread Romans 6, and should probably re-read it slowly. Of course there were those that wanted the exact proof-texted part of Romans 6 by asking for the exact verse address. I replied that the whole of Romans 6 addresses how we are dead to sin and not dead in sin. Of course it fell on deaf ears.

Then the tweet that inspired this post. It was a meme of someone pointing to a book in someone else’s hand, it said “As you can see here, That’s not actually in the Bible.” My response was a simple one and read “It actually is. You ARE a masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10”

I would have left it at that until someone responded that I needed to read the two verses before that. Now some background about myself, in these last few years I have lived in Romans, Ephesians, Colossians, and Philippians. The primary reason, is because like Paul I was trained in one particular way of seeing things, then I had an experience that caused me to reevaluate everything I believed. I call that point my awakening, when I saw Jesus in the yard at my mom’s house holding a boombox over his head, while it played “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. I don’t know if it was a dream or if I actually saw him in the yard, all I know it I woke with every belief shattered. The first couple of months was uncomfortable, but fun. As I dug into all that Jesus had for me to see.

One of the first revelations I received in this time frame was that I was a masterpiece, and it was hard for me to hear because I had been through a lot in my life. Up until that point I was addicted to pornography, and it was this season that I was broken free from it. I am going on three years since I have been completely set free. (I know that isn’t the same thing as Paul who was a murderer before his moment of awakening, but for me it had just as much impact for me.)

I had also been through one failed engagement and after her a marriage that left me with nothing because I married a woman who turned out to be a scammer, I won’t go into that. Suffice it to say, I hated myself, I felt gross and disgusting, that no one really loved me. But then my life started changing in 2005, and I married my current wife in 2009. I still believed that I was disgusting, I was conspiratorial, angry. I thought the Republicans could do no wrong and the Democrats were evil, yeah I was one of them. I was addicted to talk radio and to Fox News. I went to church weekly, I was in the worship team, I believed I had been called to be a prophet, one of them angry prophets is what I thought.

So after reading the two verses above the one I was pointed two, it further proved my point. Paul pointed at the fact that we had nothing to do with our creation, nor our status as masterpieces, and I posed the simple question.

Does a canvas say to itself, “I want to be a masterpiece?”

When I shared the idea for this blog with a friend, he simply replied, “of course not, canvases can’t talk.” Which is the point I was trying to make. A canvas does not tell the artist painting strokes upon its fabric that it wishes to be a masterpiece no more than our actions will ever make us such. Our actions have absolutely nothing to do with what Jesus did, who came as us, lived our lives and died as us to show that God could never be separated from the essence of who we are, after all we are created in the image and likeness of Jesus, (by whom all things were created) Jesus did not come in our likeness, we were born in his.

The truth is simply that we are his masterwork, a stroke in beauty and divine hope and joy. He relishes the fact that like him we are creative, that we are powerful like him. The whole world groans for the sons and daughters of God to manifest.

So why don’t we manifest?

Why do we retreat in Platonic Dualism of Good and Evil? Good and evil are on the same tree, Life is the other one. Again, I will expound on this topic later, but for now our focus is entirely on Good or Evil and not Life. Our society devolves into cancel culture because we are so ingrained with this idea of Good or Evil, we don’t care what it does for the Life of another.

There was another Tweet by Steven Furtick after the one I mentioned where he said “The challenge in front of you is an indication of the power within you.”

Of course the reformed folks couldn’t resist, one even said, “God must be glorified and man must be abased.” Like seriously, where is that even in scripture? That is gobbledygook concocted by people who have made God into a monster and man into a pile of literal do-do under his feet. (Yes I misspelled do-do on purpose. Most modern theologies are plagued with the idea that we must do to be, even though they may not say that outright. So it is actual doo-doo.)

So the essence of this entire blog is this, we can no more demand to be made a masterpiece than a canvas can demand it’s painter to make it a masterpiece. We have no more hand in it than a mountain did with its shape, or a happy little tree with the direction its branches may grow. You are a masterpiece because you are, that’s it. He made the moon and stars, the entire cosmos where masterstrokes of his hand, and yet his most beloved creation is you and I.

Used Up and Cast Aside

I try to see the beauty in everyone, in every situation that I encounter. Sometimes that is difficult and I find myself getting angry and shutting down, withdrawing from those I love. Of course I go through seasons, some absolutely wonderful, some extremely difficult. I am going through one of those difficult seasons right now. I feel like I am beneficial to others but that others only use me until my usefulness has been exhausted. If I am not beneficial to their cause, ministry, business, life in general I am used up and cast aside. This has been an issue I have seen in my life for a long time. I know it is my tendency to put all of myself into something and push myself until I am exhausted, until I either have nothing left to give or I am cast aside by those people who I thought valued me.

In my faith I have been actively involved in many churches in my time on this Earth, all of which I over exert myself until I am tired and end up quitting a project or two to find balance. But that balance seems elusive like a shadow running from the sun. Most of the time I participate in the worship band, and volunteer until I am blue in the face, but in the last year I have found solace in restricting what I involve myself in. I found a tribe of folks that love me and value me, until they don’t and then I feel alone again.

But that is what this is all about, we are all really doing the best we can. We all have things we are good at, and we fake some things that we may otherwise struggle with. Fake it until we make it I have heard several times in my life. I also say that I am a jack of many trades but a master of none, the truth is I don’t really know anything… but am willing to learn.

My struggle is that I may look like I have it all together, but I really don’t. I have thoughts and opinions others don’t agree with, and I don’t agree with some thoughts and opinions of others. My political view is a hodgepodge of different things but mostly I am a freedom minded person. I do not believe that speech really hurts anyone, and if you do, well I am going to offend you, but my words will never physically harm you.

Recently, I had a very close friend that just up and cut ties with me, and it broke my heart. I thought eventually I would be able to touch base with him, but he cut off all communication with me, blocked me on all of his social media, etc. Not because of me, but because of the tribe I am part of. He wants to cut off that tribe and everyone in it. Not sure why I got lumped in with that, but I never believe in turning my back on friends, especially ones that I consider closer than brothers.

If you know me and feel like I have used you up and cast you aside, I am sorry. I repent now of those unkind things I may have said, I repent of the anger or hurt I may have harbored against you. Please forgive me.

My door is open.

It is not the Gospel to use others up and cast them aside when their usefulness is exhausted. It is not the Gospel to turn your back on people or to betray their trust.

The Gospel is simply to love others as Jesus loves us. Would Jesus turn his back on anyone? I don’t believe he would.

So Love…

As Jesus Loves…

The onus isn’t on us, but completely on him. He is the example of what we look like when we flow with Holy Spirit.

If you feel used up and cast aside, forgive those who’ve done it to you, and seek forgiveness from the people you’ve cast aside. We are a family, we are one.

People Sondering Will Blow Your Mind

Have you ever people watched?

This is something I do very often when I am in public. Places like malls, main street, even places like a Walmart can be a great source of people watching. One of the things I like to do is to put myself in the mind and body of the subject that I watch. I ask myself questions like that which I would ask myself normally. Watching someone shopping is always an interesting activity, not trying to be creepy or anything but to simply put myself in their shoes.

“Work was stressful today. I need a beer.”

“I have an interview tomorrow, need to make a good impression. “

“I need to remember to call my wife before I leave to make sure she doesn’t need anything.”

“I can’t wait to see my daughter’s face when she sees this.”

Knowing that every single person on this planet currently, the people that have lived and passed on, or yet to be born are all unique and completely original. Every single person has seen different things, even while looking at the same things. Fifty people could look at Niagara Falls and have a million different thoughts buzzing around in their heads.

Every single person is just as complex, varied, beautiful, complicated, as you are.

So what if we all participated in this? What if we all looked at everyone through different eyes. If we saw each other as complicated and complex, good but flawed, loved but longing for affection. If we truly could see other through eyes of curiosity and exploration we could then see people for who they really are.

We are all doing the best we can, with so little knowledge about the implications of it all.

I am brought to the thought of Jesus on the cross, as he looked at all the soldiers, Jewish religious leaders. normal people gathered around the cross he saw himself through their eyes. As he saw them for who they truly are, he called out,

“Father, forgive them.”

In anguish, he cried out not with the thought of himself, but with their thoughts flooding him like a massive river.

“Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing. “

The thoughts in his head filled with images of all of us in that very instant, everyone who ever lived, even as far ahead as the last man to ever live. In an instant, instead of pleading for his own life, he plead for the lives of every single person who had ever lived. and would ever live. In that moment, he became us, and we became him. He is our vicarious man, vicariously living as us so we can live as him.

Sure, the people who had nailed Jesus to the cross, left their homes that morning. Kissing their wives, hugging their kids, they walked to work with their friends they probably joked a crude joke or two. They probably laughed as their children cried seeing them disappear over the horizon. The religious leaders thought they were doing the right thing, they probably did the same thing, maybe they passionately prayed to God that they were doing the right thing. Maybe one of them bought a loaf of bread and some wine on their journey into work that day.

They though it was just another normal day, that tomorrow would be a normal day. They thought they knew what they were doing… but they really hadn’t a clue.

We think we know what we are doing, but in reality we are just kids playing in a sandbox, playing with LEGOs, drinking Capri Suns. We may do horrible things thinking we know better, but the truth is we don’t.

No one you see when you people watch truly know what they are doing, we are all just going through the motions of day to day life. We are all complex, unique, beautiful, and different.

So as you look at others in their day to day routines, picture Jesus on the cross. Who lived their life in that very instant. Picture Jesus crying out to Father to forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing when you face someone radically different then yourself. Don’t think of things they need to do, think of Jesus on the cross. The rainbow haired, gender confused person… think of Jesus on the cross. The people that are protesting injustice, think of Jesus on the cross. The police officers, think of Jesus on the cross. The homeless person, think of Jesus on the cross. The white person, black person, Indian person, Asian person… think of Jesus on the cross.

Think of Jesus on the cross in every instance you experience. Not only will your mind be blown at the information that will flood you, but you will be overwhelmed by a love for all mankind. No matter who they are, or who you are, Sonder with me, and love others as Jesus passionately loves us.

A Gospel Perspective of Black Lives Matter

When faced with the death of Freddie Gray and Trayvon Martin in 2013-14 certain members of the black community decided to organize a movement to polarize a nation. More than just a political polarization, but a movement that divided us by the color of our skin, something we are born with that we cannot change. Even though there are folks who try, I believe just like gender it is not a spectrum that can simply be changed. That doesn’t change how I feel about people who think they can, it is okay because we are all simply trying to figure out how to live in our own skin.

I make no bones about it, I am white, I do not know what it means to be black. I don’t pretend to. What I do know is what it feels like to be marginalized and pushed aside either because of something you cannot change or by a dumb decision we make. I know it isn’t easy to try and find acceptance with people who may not want to accept us as we are. I have never been in a position where I was in the accepted crowd, most of the time I am in the fringe. I am guilty of calling people foolish or dumb, but I have also been on the receiving end of this criticism as well. I know it hurts to not feel equal.

This battle has gone back to the beginning of time, and it will honestly go until the end. Because as humans we are tribal, we congregate in groups we are most comfortable with. When we aren’t comfortable we tend to pull away or show out. I am going through this season right now, I see things creeping back up that I thought I had escaped from years ago.

The group I had felt most comfortable with all of a sudden became very critical of each other, I kept seeing posts from people I would trust with my life and experience calling others foolish or dumb, and the ones on the receiving end echoing the same comments. My heart broke as people I was close to would tell me privately they agreed with my fears or concerns, but then publicly saying the opposite. I did not see my tribe any longer, but felt like I was on the outskirts of the tribe I loved.

I say all this to say that Black Lives Matter has done more to divide us than to unite us.

Those who know me and know my heart know that for decades I have cried for unity in the church, it wasn’t until recently though that I realized that before the church can be unified that we must find unity with who we truly are, in doing so we can see others as they truly are. I found that when I focused on Jesus inside of me that I could see Jesus inside of others, I wasn’t concerned with the affairs of the world. But, then the world decided to tell people that their hearts, their words and actions didn’t matter because of the color of their skin. I was told to let members of the black community grieve, to offer my shoulder in solidarity. Then I saw people in the Black Lives Matter organization demand white folks to kneel and apologize for their white privilege. In fear these people kneeled. Not because they wanted to but because an army marched on them and demanded it.

The act of kneeling has played a part in the rise and fall of empires. I am reminded of the movie 300, when Leonidas faced the king of the Ottomans, Xerxes, and said that Xerxes was the greatest king to ever live but that he would never kneel because his knees were tired from fighting. I watched the entire series of Game of Thrones, and for the most part I enjoyed it until the last season. But kneeling played a role in showing fealty to a king. Conquering kings would demand it to show they had overcome their enemy. This practice in the fictional show of Game of Thrones was taken from centuries of history. Kneeling showed you were defeated and not equal.

If a white person demanded a black person to kneel the same people that celebrate the kneeling of white people would be outraged and call for equality. It would be considered a racist action, and our very polarized government would probably add that to the growing list of hate speech terms that can be prosecuted. But yet it is okay for the Black Lives Matter activists to demand that of white people.

It is not okay for a white person to chase down a black person and film them because they cut off the white person on the freeway. But recently a black person chased down a white woman, shamed her horribly on camera, she is terrified. Instead of being criticized its celebrated, shared millions of times, and even the company the person worked for would be terrified to fire the person. I reported the tweet because I was terrified for the woman, because her license tag was shown on Twitter, her apartment building was shown, the woman crouched over her tag trying to conceal it but the damage was done. Apparently, he has done similar stuff before specifically with white or Asian women.

Why do I bring all of this up? Because if the person behind this Twitter account saw Jesus in this woman, and saw Jesus in himself and others would he have gone out of his way to shame this woman?

In fact more and more people in the black community are rising up against the partial view of Black Lives Matter, and calling for All Black Lives to Matter. In a recent interview on “The Breakfast Club” a woman by the name of Angela Stanton-King was interviewed, she is also running for congress in Atlanta, GA. She was a lifelong Democrat who was arrested and sentenced due to her role in a car-theft ring, but Donald Trump pardoned her and she has taken to trying to reunite families that are victims of mass incarceration. But she has some words for the black community about abortion, gang violence, and murder in the black community.

In the beginning of this latest series of protests and violence I tried to remain quiet, but then I was told if I stayed quiet that it was violence, then it was racism because I didn’t agree with all of the narratives tossed around. I saw post after post of white people posting memes about white guilt, sharing books about it, talking about unconscious racism, and when I called shenanigans I was accused of outright racism. I interviewed a close friend about all of this on the latest episode of The Warrior’s Cry .

I have had numerous conversations with another member of the black community, her name is Jolene. She is constantly posting about orphan-hood being the cause of all of this, and I completely agree with her. If people saw themselves adopted in Jesus, and saw Jesus in others around them, what would it look like?

What happens when we see Jesus in others?

What is the Gospel? Some have differing perspectives of this and I respect the different viewpoints. But how I see the Gospel is simple. It lies in the choice between Life and Knowledge. I will write more on this topic in the future, but at the root of everything is a choice between Life and Knowledge. Jesus said in John 6:25-70 that He is the Bread of Life, and that we must eat from Him and drink of His Blood to be included in Him. This is the crux of the Gospel, we must eat of Him and Drink of Him to be included, but when we choose to eat from the other we act out of our own understanding and knowledge, rather than make decisions based on Life.

When faced with something that typically triggers you into anger, choose. Eat from Jesus, Drink from Jesus and the decision you make will not cause you to harm another for any reason. Our identities are not tied up in our skin, or even our actions and words. Our identities are totally wrapped up in Jesus, and if we aren’t about reconciliation then nothing else that we do matters.

Reconciliation and equality does not mean diminishing another or their roles in society, it does not mean shaming another or trying to replace them. What it does mean is that we hold out our hands and help those who feel downtrodden and lift them to the same level we are. It means that we care for the brokenhearted, not by diminishing ourselves but by loving them in spite of the political narratives that are flying around. It does not mean burning down the things which have elevated themselves, but rather love the people involved as Jesus loves us.

In short the point of this journal entry is a Gospel perspective of Black Lives Matters. Yes, all of those Black Lives Matter. The black babies in the wombs ripped out because of inconvenience. All of the black kids killed at the hands of other black kids. The 3 year old executed by teenagers, David Dorn murdered for trying to stop the looting of his friend’s pawn shop, Breonna Taylor murdered in her home by police, George Floyd murdered by a Derek Chauvin while other cops stood around and watched it happen. As of Jun 8, 2020, 19 people have been murdered, How many of their lives mattered?

Black Live Matter to me. But so do the lives of every single other person who loses theirs due to no fault of their own, I do not believe in the death penalty, I do not believe in abortion, I do not believe in violence of any kind.

This is the Gospel perspective of Black Lives Matters…

Your life matters to me.

What does it mean to sonder?

Sonder is the realization that each and every single person you encounter is as complex as you are. Their life is as lived in as your own, their experiences just as vivid and filled with dreams and desires, ambitions and failures, certainties and worries. Their lives an epic story that unfolds invisibly around you like an anthill expands and develops its many tunnels and paths deep underground. Their experiences are intertwined with thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, their lives just as complex and deep. Whose life you may appear simply as an extra on a movie set or a throwaway character in the backdrop of their story.

This is my journal, where I will post my thoughts, my dreams, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, so that you may see me as I see you. As deep and complex as you are.

Today, I back down.

I owe a lot to Facebook.

Facebook has been a connection point for me over the years, an avenue of networking with folks I may have never networked with before. I made friends on Facebook that helped me break the back of false theology that I had believed and given me the means to connect with folks who had similar beliefs as I do now.

But something changed.

The death of George Floyd, the rise of riots, protests, and the dreaded virtue signal. I saw beloved friends turning on other beloved friends. Calling each other names because they either agreed or did not agree with the narratives being fed to us. I tried to remain silent, silence is a virtue I always heard. Until all of a sudden, my silence was somehow violence.

I tried to speak out against the actual violence that I saw, from the death of David Dorn, and others. The destruction of property, the breakdown of society made me speak louder. By nature, I am a fighter, but my faith and political beliefs make me a pacifist. I don't want to fight, but it seems the more I cry out for common sense the more I see more and more us vs. them.

I am tired.

I am tired of the friends that I love looking at me and seeing me as an enemy because I do not agree with their world view. I am exhausted with government, the lockdowns, and trying to find my way in a world that is becoming more and more divided. Those of you who follow my podcast, or even follow my Facebook posts know that I believe wholly in unity, with each other and our true identity. But we are getting so far away from all of that.

Today, I back down.

I deactivated my Facebook account, uninstalled all the apps from my phone, I am going to take the time to breathe. To try and get back to where I left off with Father, and try to get back to the lack of caring status that I once prided myself on.

I will blog more, I think. Maybe write more.

Will I reactivate my account? I don't know. Probably. Eventually. But in the mean time, those who know me personally have my number, those who don't and want to get on touch can email me at thewarriorscry@gmail.com.

Anyway. Love you.

The Awakening

I became a Christian at the age of 16, I didn't know much, but having essentially grown up in the church I was pretty versed on the language of christianese. We all know it, and we all have been prone to speaking it. Depending on the stream in which you learned, the language could have different varieties, but still the same language.

Early on it was exciting and fresh, I had amazing friends that helped to encourage me, and life was good. This is not going to be a blog where I begin by telling some sob story in the attempt to get hits on my website, or even listens on my podcast. Although both would be nice, that isn't my intention. My intention here is to share my heart, a heart that has been quickly changing these last few weeks, making me question stuff I had always taken for granted, and forcing me into the newness of my faith again. 

My faith had grown pretty stagnate in the last few years, and even though I was doing my podcast, I sang on the worship team at my church, I still struggled hard with issues of sin that would creep up. I would berate myself after I failed, and would continually remind myself of the disgust that God obviously had for me. Or so I thought. 

A few years ago a good friend of me introduced me to John Crowder, and in the beginning I just wasn't in the headspace to receive what he was teaching. Then about three months ago I was reintroduced to him, I decided to give him another shot. A new friend that I met on Facebook sent me his book "Mystical Union" in audio format, and it has totally wrecked me. The first chapter John constantly reminds us that as saints we are not bound to sin anymore, in fact we are dead to it, and alive to Christ.

Even so consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Romans 6:11 NAS

We are so dead to sin that we don't have to sin, we aren't bound to it. This is not about striving to do something that we are incapable of doing. If we were incapable of avoiding sin, then the letters of Paul would prove impossible. Paul constantly encouraged us (the Church) to avoid sin, to not present our bodies to sin. 

When I first heard John emphatically teach this in the first chapter of his book, I spoke to myself out loud and said, how do I do this? That's impossible to avoid sin, I was born in it and am incapable of resisting it. He issued a challenge, read Romans 6 everyday for a year. Not I will honestly say I have not done that, but the first day I listened and read Romans 6 at least 5 times, and since I have read it on several other occasions. 

Since I have been studying this, I have posted thought after thought on Facebook, stirring up many different discussions, some downright hostile. I have had a few that think I am not a believer anymore, some think I have lost my mind. I have had people saying that if I claim I am without sin than I must not have the love of God in me. Not that I have ever claimed to be without sin, only that I don't have to sin anymore. 

This has forced me to be more excited about my relationship with Daddy than ever before. I realize that He didn't just rend the heavens to save me, but to redeem me. He redeemed me and my experiences, He redeemed me and my identity. He took this dirty, broken guy, put His finest robe on my shoulders, and a ring of His Authority on my finger. 

I am under obligation, as Paul was in Romans 1, to share this, the Gospel, with everyone I come into contact with. So this is where I am at. I plan on writing more, but this is just a start.  If you like the blog please share it, share my podcast. Thanks for reading and listening!