Speaking A Different Language

I used to speak the same language as other Christians, the language of Christianese. I was a master of it, twisting and turning things to where they fit a specific narrative that I believed God wanted me to preach.

Before I was a Christian I listened to “evil” music, I did “evil” things, spoke an “evil” language. I remember when I first became a Christian getting pretty heavy into Christian rock music, I would look at the charts that said “if you used to like such and such band you’ll love…” It was a transition in language. I went from headbanging to songs about heart-shaped boxes and puppet-masters to headbanging to songs seasoned with Jesus but not much else.

My faith was a hollow one, filled with my reading the Bible simply to prove others wrong. I believed in Jesus, I would get weepy eyed when the passion play happened at church, I would listen to Christian music exclusively, I would preach Jesus to others, turn or burn, repent. Then I got a taste of Love, but that Love was tempered through the lens of the Jesus I preached. I would say things like Jesus will love you if, or Jesus will save you when you do…

Holy Spirit would lay things on my heart while saying things like, “What would love do here?” I remember I had just gotten through writing a note on my Facebook account, which was like an old blog system Facebook had, about how even if we had Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on our door that we should invite them in, offer them a drink, let them speak and love them as I loved myself. As soon as I submitted the note a knock came to my door, and it was two Jehovah’s Witnesses. I found it extremely interesting this happened right after I had posted. At first I was irritated they came for a visit, and then Holy Spirit reminded me of what I had just written. I did exactly as I had written and upon them leaving they made a comment that I was the nicest “Christian” they had met, granted I was not supposed to hear that because they said it as they were walking away.

As the years passed, I studied more and more about the Love of God. There were still troubling thoughts that I had, and difficult beliefs that I still believed, I still struggled with things that were not indicative of the Love of God, and would punish myself by turning my back to God for days on end when I had messed up. It was like Adam in the Garden, he messed up and hid. I would mess up and turn my face from God because I felt like I had grieved him or hurt him or worse angered him.

Then I met Jesus for real.

My life changed in an instant when that happened, I realized that my loving God wasn’t necessary, but that I was the subject of His Love. This little change in perspective changed everything. His Love for me drove Him to the Cross, His Love for me had Him sell everything He had to obtain me. Its like scales literally fell from my eyes. To think that God was ever angry with me. I once thought He was my enemy, then I realized that I was never His enemy, I just thought I was in my own head. That caused me to live in a way that was contrary to who I am really.

These last three years my language and beliefs have changed radically. I’ve been called a heretic. I have had Christians say that I should burn at the stake. I have had Christians so offended at my beliefs that they gossiped about me and forced me to step out of a position that I really loved. I have had people turn their backs on me because I have challenged my beliefs about God. I have had people that I thought loved me, laugh at me, call me stupid, shame me.

It isn’t persecution, I am not saying that, I just know that I have undergone a radical transformation about everything. I went from believing that God wanted to use me for something to realizing that God just wants to Love me. I went from thinking that I had to gain all this knowledge about God to understand Him, to realizing that was Adam’s downfall. I went from being comfortable in my knowledge about Jesus and God and all that I knew about Him to this mystical tension that is both joyful and awe inducing.

I know that I speak a different language, I also know without Love I am a resounding gong. So holding everything dear that I believe now I must remember not to overwhelm those who hear me, that may not believe exactly like me. Overwhelming is not the best word for that, I just don’t want to scandalize people so much that they can’t hear God’s Heart in me.

I guess that is just it, what Paul was saying. I could say all of this but without Love you will never hear me.

So with that said, know that I love you enough to not say anything even when you may want me to, but in that love I may also say too much that may scandalize and overwhelm you.

The Root of all Creation

Ever since I had my experience of awakening in August of 2017 I have been fascinated with the concept of the Greek word metanoia. No word in the English language truly encompasses what the word metanoia truly means, of course Bible translators from the early days of English translations deemed the word repent as a reasonable replacement for such a deep and weighty word, but it in no way truly grasps what the word metanoia is.

I have had several podcasts where I’ve talked about metanoia and what it has meant for me, feel free to listen in long form to my conversations or my monologues about the subject. But this blog isn’t going to dive too deep into the actual meaning of metanoia, but it serves as a little exposition behind my musings in this blog post. More to the point I am going to talk about another fascination I have had since my awakening in August of 2017. The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The original choice presented to humanity wan’t really a choice, but rather a mandate to stay away from one tree and feast on all of the other trees in the garden of pleasure (Eden). It took convincing to make man choose to eat from the tree, it was not natural to do so, in fact to eat from the tree flew against every thing Adam knew to be truth, so why did he?

The story goes that Adam didn’t run over to the tree, pick a piece of fruit and start chowing down, instead he was coaxed by the good and perfect gift of his wife. He would have done anything she asked of him, he was enamored by her, when he slept he dreamt of her. He loved his wife because she was literally the best gift he had ever gotten. God told him not to eat from that tree, God didn’t tell her, God have him her and told him that she was good and perfect, she told him to eat from the tree. In his mind he thought that maybe her desire for him to eat from the tree was superseded by her desire for him to eat simply because she was his good and perfect gift.

This story isn’t a story about whether or not men are superior to women or visa-versa, nor is this a blog post about everything being Eve’s fault. Eve knew what Adam told her, God never told her. So realistically she didn’t really know any better. Adam was intoxicated by his love for his bride that he did whatever she asked of him, which was not a good combination. Adam also didn’t really know any better, because remember the tree he was told not to eat from was not simply the tree of Good and Evil.

Good and Evil existed, however Adam and Eve were completely oblivious to this fact. I mean they ran around in the garden of pleasure (Eden) completely naked. They frolicked with lions and tigers and bears, oh my, they rolled around in the fields with poison ivy and all sorts of creepy crawly bugs and they had no concerns for anything at all. There was no worry about what they would eat, there was no worry about how they would be clothed or if they had a roof over their head, they had absolutely no care in the world, nothing at all offended them.

Eve bit from the fruit, and she thought it was tasty. Nothing changed, her eyes were not opened, everything was the same, so she thought that Adam had told her something that wasn’t necessarily true. But when Adam ate, immediately both of their eyes were opened, they saw their nakedness, the garden filled them with fear with all of the animals and weird plants that were scattered everywhere. The spot where he was intimate with his good and perfect gift that morning was in a bramble of thorns. Afraid he ran and grabbed fig leaves and sewed them together to cover their nakedness. (Fig leaves have a pretty deep meaning here, I believe.) They immediately his because he knew in a few minutes God would be coming to spend time with them and frolic with them with all of the animals, and all the darkness and scary bugs.

When God came to the garden, he realized it was no longer a garden of pleasure. He sought Adam and Eve and began calling for them, having played hide and seek with them before, he noticed something radically different, there was no laughter. He didn’t see them running around, but they were hidden. He called for them but they refused to answer because they were filled with fear and worry and anxiety. They were terrified of what God would do to them. He called,

“Oh Adam, c’mon out, you have hidden long enough.”

“We don’t want to God, we are embarrassed.” Adam said out loud as they stayed hidden.

“Oh good heavens, why in the world would you be embarrassed?” He asked amused, knowing what they had done he had done what any good father would do by allowing his kids to “fess up” as my mom used to call it.

“We are naked, ashamed, scared.” Adam cried out.

"The first question out of God’s mouth at their admission was, “Who told you that you were naked?”

As we leave that story I view this as the literal root of the idea of metanoia. All of creation was based upon this concept of choice. From God’s perspective he knew it was a choice presented as a mandate to stay away, but knowing his kids were curious they would eventually choose the route they did. After all scripture does tell us that Jesus is the lamb slain before creation. Jesus, God in our flesh, even said from the cross, “Forgive them Father for they don’t know what they are doing.” It was a complete circle that ended with the Death of Jesus on the cross and that sick cycle carousel was destroyed with His resurrection.

So everything lies in the idea of metanoia, which means to change your mind and direction, to think differently. Not to think in terms of if something is good or evil but rather thinking of situations from the perspective of not having an opinion about it whether it be good or evil. Because if Adam would have never ate from the tree, he would have never realized anything was good or evil, he would have just lived full of joy with his good and perfect wife, Eve.

There is debate over whether Adam and Eve were real, or if they were simply poetry explaining the human dilemma, I lean on the belief that they were very real. Flesh caused the fall, and God in that Flesh redeemed us all.

You may have noticed that I might ask in certain situations, “What tree are you eating from?” This is where that question comes from. It is a constant reminder for me that I need to remember that I am feasting on the Tree of Life and not that of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

I am programmed to fall into old patterns of despair when I focus on things that make me get anxious and nervous about things. I think everyone is.

But we can be free, like truly free. Only by laying everything down and realizing that we are just his kids in this beautiful playground of a world. We can just rest and change our way of thinking.

Metanoia.

A Gospel Perspective of Black Lives Matter

When faced with the death of Freddie Gray and Trayvon Martin in 2013-14 certain members of the black community decided to organize a movement to polarize a nation. More than just a political polarization, but a movement that divided us by the color of our skin, something we are born with that we cannot change. Even though there are folks who try, I believe just like gender it is not a spectrum that can simply be changed. That doesn’t change how I feel about people who think they can, it is okay because we are all simply trying to figure out how to live in our own skin.

I make no bones about it, I am white, I do not know what it means to be black. I don’t pretend to. What I do know is what it feels like to be marginalized and pushed aside either because of something you cannot change or by a dumb decision we make. I know it isn’t easy to try and find acceptance with people who may not want to accept us as we are. I have never been in a position where I was in the accepted crowd, most of the time I am in the fringe. I am guilty of calling people foolish or dumb, but I have also been on the receiving end of this criticism as well. I know it hurts to not feel equal.

This battle has gone back to the beginning of time, and it will honestly go until the end. Because as humans we are tribal, we congregate in groups we are most comfortable with. When we aren’t comfortable we tend to pull away or show out. I am going through this season right now, I see things creeping back up that I thought I had escaped from years ago.

The group I had felt most comfortable with all of a sudden became very critical of each other, I kept seeing posts from people I would trust with my life and experience calling others foolish or dumb, and the ones on the receiving end echoing the same comments. My heart broke as people I was close to would tell me privately they agreed with my fears or concerns, but then publicly saying the opposite. I did not see my tribe any longer, but felt like I was on the outskirts of the tribe I loved.

I say all this to say that Black Lives Matter has done more to divide us than to unite us.

Those who know me and know my heart know that for decades I have cried for unity in the church, it wasn’t until recently though that I realized that before the church can be unified that we must find unity with who we truly are, in doing so we can see others as they truly are. I found that when I focused on Jesus inside of me that I could see Jesus inside of others, I wasn’t concerned with the affairs of the world. But, then the world decided to tell people that their hearts, their words and actions didn’t matter because of the color of their skin. I was told to let members of the black community grieve, to offer my shoulder in solidarity. Then I saw people in the Black Lives Matter organization demand white folks to kneel and apologize for their white privilege. In fear these people kneeled. Not because they wanted to but because an army marched on them and demanded it.

The act of kneeling has played a part in the rise and fall of empires. I am reminded of the movie 300, when Leonidas faced the king of the Ottomans, Xerxes, and said that Xerxes was the greatest king to ever live but that he would never kneel because his knees were tired from fighting. I watched the entire series of Game of Thrones, and for the most part I enjoyed it until the last season. But kneeling played a role in showing fealty to a king. Conquering kings would demand it to show they had overcome their enemy. This practice in the fictional show of Game of Thrones was taken from centuries of history. Kneeling showed you were defeated and not equal.

If a white person demanded a black person to kneel the same people that celebrate the kneeling of white people would be outraged and call for equality. It would be considered a racist action, and our very polarized government would probably add that to the growing list of hate speech terms that can be prosecuted. But yet it is okay for the Black Lives Matter activists to demand that of white people.

It is not okay for a white person to chase down a black person and film them because they cut off the white person on the freeway. But recently a black person chased down a white woman, shamed her horribly on camera, she is terrified. Instead of being criticized its celebrated, shared millions of times, and even the company the person worked for would be terrified to fire the person. I reported the tweet because I was terrified for the woman, because her license tag was shown on Twitter, her apartment building was shown, the woman crouched over her tag trying to conceal it but the damage was done. Apparently, he has done similar stuff before specifically with white or Asian women.

Why do I bring all of this up? Because if the person behind this Twitter account saw Jesus in this woman, and saw Jesus in himself and others would he have gone out of his way to shame this woman?

In fact more and more people in the black community are rising up against the partial view of Black Lives Matter, and calling for All Black Lives to Matter. In a recent interview on “The Breakfast Club” a woman by the name of Angela Stanton-King was interviewed, she is also running for congress in Atlanta, GA. She was a lifelong Democrat who was arrested and sentenced due to her role in a car-theft ring, but Donald Trump pardoned her and she has taken to trying to reunite families that are victims of mass incarceration. But she has some words for the black community about abortion, gang violence, and murder in the black community.

In the beginning of this latest series of protests and violence I tried to remain quiet, but then I was told if I stayed quiet that it was violence, then it was racism because I didn’t agree with all of the narratives tossed around. I saw post after post of white people posting memes about white guilt, sharing books about it, talking about unconscious racism, and when I called shenanigans I was accused of outright racism. I interviewed a close friend about all of this on the latest episode of The Warrior’s Cry .

I have had numerous conversations with another member of the black community, her name is Jolene. She is constantly posting about orphan-hood being the cause of all of this, and I completely agree with her. If people saw themselves adopted in Jesus, and saw Jesus in others around them, what would it look like?

What happens when we see Jesus in others?

What is the Gospel? Some have differing perspectives of this and I respect the different viewpoints. But how I see the Gospel is simple. It lies in the choice between Life and Knowledge. I will write more on this topic in the future, but at the root of everything is a choice between Life and Knowledge. Jesus said in John 6:25-70 that He is the Bread of Life, and that we must eat from Him and drink of His Blood to be included in Him. This is the crux of the Gospel, we must eat of Him and Drink of Him to be included, but when we choose to eat from the other we act out of our own understanding and knowledge, rather than make decisions based on Life.

When faced with something that typically triggers you into anger, choose. Eat from Jesus, Drink from Jesus and the decision you make will not cause you to harm another for any reason. Our identities are not tied up in our skin, or even our actions and words. Our identities are totally wrapped up in Jesus, and if we aren’t about reconciliation then nothing else that we do matters.

Reconciliation and equality does not mean diminishing another or their roles in society, it does not mean shaming another or trying to replace them. What it does mean is that we hold out our hands and help those who feel downtrodden and lift them to the same level we are. It means that we care for the brokenhearted, not by diminishing ourselves but by loving them in spite of the political narratives that are flying around. It does not mean burning down the things which have elevated themselves, but rather love the people involved as Jesus loves us.

In short the point of this journal entry is a Gospel perspective of Black Lives Matters. Yes, all of those Black Lives Matter. The black babies in the wombs ripped out because of inconvenience. All of the black kids killed at the hands of other black kids. The 3 year old executed by teenagers, David Dorn murdered for trying to stop the looting of his friend’s pawn shop, Breonna Taylor murdered in her home by police, George Floyd murdered by a Derek Chauvin while other cops stood around and watched it happen. As of Jun 8, 2020, 19 people have been murdered, How many of their lives mattered?

Black Live Matter to me. But so do the lives of every single other person who loses theirs due to no fault of their own, I do not believe in the death penalty, I do not believe in abortion, I do not believe in violence of any kind.

This is the Gospel perspective of Black Lives Matters…

Your life matters to me.