Speaking A Different Language

I used to speak the same language as other Christians, the language of Christianese. I was a master of it, twisting and turning things to where they fit a specific narrative that I believed God wanted me to preach.

Before I was a Christian I listened to “evil” music, I did “evil” things, spoke an “evil” language. I remember when I first became a Christian getting pretty heavy into Christian rock music, I would look at the charts that said “if you used to like such and such band you’ll love…” It was a transition in language. I went from headbanging to songs about heart-shaped boxes and puppet-masters to headbanging to songs seasoned with Jesus but not much else.

My faith was a hollow one, filled with my reading the Bible simply to prove others wrong. I believed in Jesus, I would get weepy eyed when the passion play happened at church, I would listen to Christian music exclusively, I would preach Jesus to others, turn or burn, repent. Then I got a taste of Love, but that Love was tempered through the lens of the Jesus I preached. I would say things like Jesus will love you if, or Jesus will save you when you do…

Holy Spirit would lay things on my heart while saying things like, “What would love do here?” I remember I had just gotten through writing a note on my Facebook account, which was like an old blog system Facebook had, about how even if we had Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on our door that we should invite them in, offer them a drink, let them speak and love them as I loved myself. As soon as I submitted the note a knock came to my door, and it was two Jehovah’s Witnesses. I found it extremely interesting this happened right after I had posted. At first I was irritated they came for a visit, and then Holy Spirit reminded me of what I had just written. I did exactly as I had written and upon them leaving they made a comment that I was the nicest “Christian” they had met, granted I was not supposed to hear that because they said it as they were walking away.

As the years passed, I studied more and more about the Love of God. There were still troubling thoughts that I had, and difficult beliefs that I still believed, I still struggled with things that were not indicative of the Love of God, and would punish myself by turning my back to God for days on end when I had messed up. It was like Adam in the Garden, he messed up and hid. I would mess up and turn my face from God because I felt like I had grieved him or hurt him or worse angered him.

Then I met Jesus for real.

My life changed in an instant when that happened, I realized that my loving God wasn’t necessary, but that I was the subject of His Love. This little change in perspective changed everything. His Love for me drove Him to the Cross, His Love for me had Him sell everything He had to obtain me. Its like scales literally fell from my eyes. To think that God was ever angry with me. I once thought He was my enemy, then I realized that I was never His enemy, I just thought I was in my own head. That caused me to live in a way that was contrary to who I am really.

These last three years my language and beliefs have changed radically. I’ve been called a heretic. I have had Christians say that I should burn at the stake. I have had Christians so offended at my beliefs that they gossiped about me and forced me to step out of a position that I really loved. I have had people turn their backs on me because I have challenged my beliefs about God. I have had people that I thought loved me, laugh at me, call me stupid, shame me.

It isn’t persecution, I am not saying that, I just know that I have undergone a radical transformation about everything. I went from believing that God wanted to use me for something to realizing that God just wants to Love me. I went from thinking that I had to gain all this knowledge about God to understand Him, to realizing that was Adam’s downfall. I went from being comfortable in my knowledge about Jesus and God and all that I knew about Him to this mystical tension that is both joyful and awe inducing.

I know that I speak a different language, I also know without Love I am a resounding gong. So holding everything dear that I believe now I must remember not to overwhelm those who hear me, that may not believe exactly like me. Overwhelming is not the best word for that, I just don’t want to scandalize people so much that they can’t hear God’s Heart in me.

I guess that is just it, what Paul was saying. I could say all of this but without Love you will never hear me.

So with that said, know that I love you enough to not say anything even when you may want me to, but in that love I may also say too much that may scandalize and overwhelm you.